WARNING: AFTER READING THIS POST, YOU WILL BE A MASTER OF QUERY LETTERS.
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*OBLIGATORY EERIE SILENCE*
You may (or may not) have read my other post about query letters: 5 Query Letter Mistakes You Should Avoid. If you haven't read that, I highly recommend you do, because it highlights the common mistakes you don't even know you're making.
Today's post is the opposite of that post. Here, I'm going to show you my own query letter and detail each section, which has gotten 3 partial requests and 2 full requests in the past three months (out of 11 queries sent using this specific letter). I'm still waiting on the fulls.
Let's get to it, shall we? I'll post the whole query letter, then break it apart by sections right afterward so you can see what I did.
Important note: keep the query letter between 250-350 words.
------------------------------
Scott Martin
Address
Address
Phone #
Email
Website (optional)
Dear Miss/Mr. [agent's last name],
I'm seeking representation for Embassy, my 77,000-word new adult science-fiction novel.
Arman Lance was supposed to travel the galaxy with his
father, not watch him die. He was supposed to experience the adventures from
his father’s stories, not isolate himself from the world. He was going to join
the Embassy Program, fly across the galaxy, and find Ladia Purnell, a girl from
another planet whom he loved years before.
Clinging to his fading hopes and dreams, Arman joins the
Embassy Program to fulfill that last promise. If he can reach Ladia, he’ll
never have to worry, never have to feel alone. But it doesn’t take long for his
plan to fall apart when he’s confronted by his fellow Embassy recruit, Glacia
Haverns, the ever-smiling adrenaline junkie who decides it’s her job to show
Arman there’s more to life than chasing a desperate obsession. Though at first
his closed-minded negativity prevails, Arman soon discovers the rewards of
opening himself to the experiences he nearly missed.
I have significant background in astronomy and physics and
use these elements to present a seamless, scientifically-realistic backdrop to
the story. Embassy has a character-driven plot with fierce contemporary YA and NA themes. I bring an authentic voice fueled by the emotions and experiences that
teens and college-aged students encounter in their daily lives.
In May, I had the honor of being the Keynote Speaker at a
graduation ceremony, in which I was specifically asked to relate the themes of
Embassy to the transition from high school to college and other areas of life.
Please note that [agent name] of the [agency name] is
currently reading the full manuscript of Embassy. I will notify you if she
makes an offer.
Thank you for your consideration. The first ten pages are
pasted below.
Sincerely,
S. Alex Martin
###
------------------------------ <--keep an eye on this line, it's important later
SECTION ONE
"Scott Martin
Address
Address
Phone #
Email
Website (optional)
Dear Miss/Mr. [agent's last name],"
Not much to say here. Keep it professional, standard business letter format. One thing to note: if the agent is a woman, always put Miss unless you read in her bio (or discover from an outside source) that she is married. Then use Mrs. But when in doubt, just use Miss.
Also, NEVER NEVER NEVER say Dear Agent or neglect the simple courtesy of a greeting. I'm especially looking at anyone who I rant about in my post: (Most) Self-Published Authors are a Bunch of Whiners. Seriously, if you can't take the time to write a personal greeting in a query letter, stay away from the industry, please, and don't complain about agents not recognizing your genius talents.
SECTION TWO
"I'm seeking representation for Embassy, my 77,000-word new adult science-fiction novel."
State your intention. State the title. State the word-count. State the genre. Bing, bang, boom. Done. Leave it at that. Nothing more, nothing less. There's no way you can screw this up, right? That is literally all you have to do. Don't over-complicate things.
I'm getting redundant, so let's move on.
SECTION THREE
"Arman Lance was supposed to travel the galaxy with his father, not watch him die. He was supposed to experience the adventures from his father’s stories, not isolate himself from the world. He was going to join the Embassy Program, fly across the galaxy, and find Ladia Purnell, a girl from another planet whom he loved years before.
Clinging to his fading hopes and dreams, Arman joins the Embassy Program to fulfill that last promise. If he can reach Ladia, he’ll never have to worry, never have to feel alone. But it doesn’t take long for his plan to fall apart when he’s confronted by his fellow Embassy recruit, Glacia Haverns, the ever-smiling adrenaline junkie who decides it’s her job to show Arman there’s more to life than chasing a desperate obsession. Though at first his closed-minded negativity prevails, Arman soon discovers the rewards of opening himself to the experiences he nearly missed."
Okay. Slam on the brakes and enjoy the view, 'cause we're gonna be here a while.
Here we have the body of the query. This is the #1 most vital part of the entire letter, and trust me when I say this will take multiple attempts to perfect.
You always hear tips that say, "Think of this as the back cover description." ....okay? What exactly does that mean. Not many people are gonna go grab the nearest paperback and read the back cover. Here's my advice: GO GRAB THE NEAREST PAPERBACK AND READ THE BACK COVER.
Clear enough?
There are three things the description of your book needs to do:
- Introduce the main character
- Introduce the main character's current place in life
- Introduce the main character's journey
Let me break this down in my query so you can see what I mean:
- Introduce the main character
- "Arman Lance..."
Boom. First two words of the description. We know his gender and name. No need for "was just your small-town guy." We need to be concise, so giving the name saves us five words right off the bat.
- Introduce the main character's current place in life
- "Arman Lance was supposed to travel the galaxy with his father, not watch him die. He was supposed to experience the adventures from his father’s stories, not isolate himself from the world. He was going to join the Embassy Program, fly across the galaxy, and find Ladia Purnell, a girl from another planet whom he loved years before."
Embassy is a character-driven story. Therefore, I wanted this query to resonate with human emotion and sum up just what Arman is going through so that the reader (in this case, the agent) can connect with him.
We see that Arman had big plans for him and his father--but those plans got cut short. Then we see how he was looking forward to experiencing everything he heard about--but his father's death has a direct impact on his mental state, and he closes up. Suddenly those goals seem impossible. Lastly, we see that he's holding on to one final goal: to see a girl who visited him years earlier.
In three sentences, we understand Arman's current place in life, and the contrasts I present allow us to connect with him on an emotional level, because everyone knows what disappointment and desperate hope feel like.
- Introduce the main character's journey
- "Clinging to his fading hopes and dreams, Arman joins the Embassy Program to fulfill that last promise. If he can reach Ladia, he’ll never have to worry, never have to feel alone. But it doesn’t take long for his plan to fall apart when he’s confronted by his fellow Embassy recruit, Glacia Haverns, the ever-smiling adrenaline junkie who decides it’s her job to show Arman there’s more to life than chasing a desperate obsession. Though at first his closed-minded negativity prevails, Arman soon discovers the rewards of opening himself to the experiences he nearly missed."
All right, now we have the bulk of the description, where I detail Arman's journey. The first part of the description, where I introduced Arman's life, was only the first chapter of the book. Now I have to describe the next 30 chapters in one paragraph.
This isn't a synopsis. I'm not detailing every. Single. Thing. The key to an effective journey description is laying out the book's core premise. Let me rephrase that: how will things change? What happens to your main character, how does he react to it, and what road does it take him down?
Easier said than done, right? So do this: PRACTICE. All you have to do is answer that question: how will things change? Focus on the "how." Don't tell the end of the story (save it for the synopsis, if you ever have to write one). All "how" means is "what events lead to the changes?"
Notice how I don't say, "Arman was sad but Glacia helps him be happy again." Yaaaaawn. It doesn't show much of what's actually happening.
Make it interesting. Make it desperate. In my case, I wanted to give agents a sense of who the characters are and how one affects the other.
SECTION FOUR
"I have significant background in astronomy and physics and use these elements to present a seamless, scientifically-realistic backdrop to the story. Embassy has a character-driven plot with fierce contemporary YA and NA themes. I bring an authentic voice fueled by the emotions and experiences that teens and college-aged students encounter in their daily lives.
In May, I had the honor of being the Keynote Speaker at a graduation ceremony, in which I was specifically asked to relate the themes of Embassy to the transition from high school to college and other areas of life."
The author bio. DON'T give your age. I'm 21 years old, but does that matter? No. All that matters is the strength of the writing. In fact, giving your age will either hurt your chances or have no effect. In the end, it's wasted words.
DO tell the agent why you are qualified to write this story. DO give specific examples, like my background in astronomy and physics. DO list any important credentials, awards, and achievements. Think the fact that I was a Keynote Speaker at a graduation ceremony helped? Probably. It shows I'm out there, gaining recognition and developing skills I might need as an author.
SECTION FIVE
"Please note that [agent name] of the [agency name] is currently reading the full manuscript of Embassy. I will notify you if she makes an offer."
If your work is already being looked at by another agent, say so. Don't hide things. Be upfront so the agent is aware of the competition. Agents don't like surprises unless they come in the form of chocolate (or so I'm told).
SECTION SIX
"Thank you for your consideration. The first ten pages are pasted below.
Sincerely,
S. Alex Martin
###"
Finally, we have the closing statements. Always put "Thank you for your consideration." It's just a...well...considerate thing to do. Follow it by assuring the agent the requested material accompanies the submission.
99% of agents want you to paste the material, not attach it. The reason? Viruses. Who's to say you're not a jealous hacker trying to dismantle an agency because they rejected your typo-ridden book three years ago?
Use "Sincerely" or "Regards," or something of that nature. I like "Sincerely." It's just preference.
I always use ### to signify that that part of the query is finished. If there is requested material following, I will include a line of dashes before pasting the material, something like,
"-----------------------------------"
Again, just my preference.
Well, there you go. You have officially read the most in-depth examination of any query letter on the internet. Your move, Writer's Digest.
I hope this helps you develop stronger queries. STUDY THESE TIPS. Every query is different, but you can give yourself an edge by have a stronger, mistake-free query. After you read this post, share it, and then head on over to 5 Query Letter Mistakes You Should Avoid so you can see what gets queries thrown into the trash.
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While you're at it, check out my New Adult Science-fiction novel, Embassy.
Yay! This is just what I needed! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteCouple questions for you.
1. If one has a pen name they would prefer should that be used/mentioned in the query or no? (I would think probably 'No')
And 2. I was looking at the section about your synopsis and was wondering if you would know how I would go about doing that if I had the POV of two MAIN characters? Same thing but just mention both characters?
For the pen name, yes. Sign the letter with it. (Sincerely, Pen name). Technically speaking, S. Alex Martin is my pen name. But at the top, in the address section, use your real name. Notice how I say "Scott Martin."
DeleteAs for dual POV, I'm actually not too sure. I've told people to just use the storyline of the first character introduced, and kind of include the other character as a secondary character. If the agent requests more, they'll see the dual POV, or you can write the dual POV into a full 1-2 page synopsis.
That answer your question?
Oh okay :) Got it. Real name first then sign with Pen Name and as for the dual POV thing that makes sense. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this! I have tried to look at other examples of query letters before, but they usually just give examples and say, "This one was good. This one was bad."
ReplyDeleteExactly. So many query examples and "How to Write a Query" posts are so broad, it's as if they're just saying, "Haha this worked, good luck."
DeleteGlad I could help. Writers needed a post that showed them step-by-step what goes into a query, why it goes into it, how to formulate it, and what to leave out.
Good luck with yours!
Thank you thank you thank you! :D Now it's my turn to ask something....I have five main characters. How on earth do I balance all the different plotlines out in the 'back cover blurb' without being either boring or way over the top?
ReplyDeleteAh, yes. I remember this query. It's difficult. For you, I'd say generalize the description. Don't say each character's name and give a line about them; say something like, "TRoF follows A, B, C, D, and E as they...." and then give general themes and journeys presented in the book.
DeleteThis way, the agent/publisher understands that these are all lead characters, and since you've given basic journeys and lessons, they'll also have an idea as to what happens in the book.
Thanks!! This helps a lot.
DeleteNo way. This makes me want to write a synopsis - and I NEVER want to do that.
ReplyDeleteQuestion: my fantasy is three books. The story spans all three and is not complete until the third. Would I query for only one at a time, or all three at once?
E,
DeleteJust query the first book. Figure out what the main plot of *that* book is, and use that in your query. Basically, what adventure are the characters going on in this book? Throw in a few details about obstacles they have to overcome and whatever leads up to the climax (a.k.a. "what will prepare them for the boss fight?")
Make sense?
Right, got that. But where do I mention that the story isn't finished in book one and that this is a package deal? :P
DeleteYou can mention that it's part of a larger series, but to start, most agents will only consider the first book. Then, if they make an offer, you can ask to discuss the rest of the series. But nothing is set until it reaches the publisher. The publishers decide if they want a multi-book deal or not.
DeleteOkay...so I have one more question! I am sitting here using this as a guid while writing my query letter and I am stuck with section 4.
ReplyDeleteIn that section you mention about certain education that helped you write this story or different events you have spoken at but what if I havent spoken at any events or certain education like what that is not helpful for writing the book and such? (My genre is Christian Contemporary)
Adriana,
DeleteThen you just wouldn't need to put anything there :) It won't count against you to leave out personal expertise if you've never spoken anywhere. Up until May, I couldn't say I had spoken anywhere, but the first request from this query came BEFORE that ceremony. So all it does is add onto your credentials.
I mentioned astronomy and physics because those were integral to the story's world-building. Obviously, Christian Contemp won't have necessary degrees unless that's what you study and it's absolutely essential to mention.
Okay :) thank you so much! :)
ReplyDeleteVery helpful and entertaining.
ReplyDeleteI've been scouring the internet for weeks in search of proper tips and how-to about query letters, and your blog was the most helpful so far. I read some successful query letters on Writer's Digest, but I didn't feel like I could grasp the anatomy of the letters, even if they were commented in sections.
I've constructed a few letters so far, but I discovered that by combining the elements I liked the most from different letters (for the same story), I came up with a query letter that was better (still working on it!).
Also, one thing. I noticed you put your word count at the very beginning of the query letter. My book is fairly long, dauntingly long as many in the science fiction/fantasy genre are. Other places I've seen the word count put towards the end of the letter. What do you think?
Hey! Put it at the beginning. Here's why -- most agents will look past it if they fall in love with your concept and really see potential. Besides, it can always get trimmed. But you just wanna be up front about everything. Don't try to hide it near the bottom hoping they won't see it. What they might do is see your word count, look at your description, and then say, "Does this sound like a story that can comfortably fit within this word count?"
DeleteThen go from there.
Hope that helps! It's just my own opinion, but if I were an agent/editor, that's something I'd consider, especially given the genre :)